We often find ourselves in the same arguments, trying to explain what went wrong and share our perspective—but to no avail. Not only does nothing change, but it may even feel like no matter what we say, we’re always seen as the bad guy.
Why is it like this, and what can be done about it?
To explore this, I’ll begin by distinguishing between two similar words: awareness and consciousness.
If a person is unaware in the sense of simply not noticing something, it’s possible to bring it to their attention (e.g., “You have something between your teeth”). But when a person is unaware on a deeper, more spiritual level (spiritually unconscious), there’s no simple way to bring something into their awareness.
A clear example of this can often be found in our relationships with parents or partners—no matter how many times you try to explain how problematic their behavior is, it’s as if you’re talking to a wall.
The ability to understand human unconsciousness is a powerful key to happiness and inner peace.
To build it, let’s start by outlining some characteristics of an unconscious person (not all characteristics apply to every individual):
- In relationships, they are always right, and the other person is always wrong. They don’t recognize their role in the situation, and even if they momentarily admit some responsibility, they quickly deny or minimize it.
- They don’t acknowledge having problems—or they blame external circumstances or others, whom they see as “the real issue.”
- They have an obsessive need to blame others, highlight their faults, and belittle them, which helps inflate their false sense of self-worth (since deep down, despite appearing confident, they feel small).
- They often step into the role of emotional supporter—unaware that their true motive may be to feel superior to those who rely on them. Sitting in the “wise advisor” chair, after all, offers a sense of power and temporary relief from our own problems.
- They frequently deny their actions (“I didn’t say that!”), distort facts, or take things out of context.
- They like to present themselves as someone who doesn’t hold grudges. But the moment they’re triggered, the archive of old wounds resurfaces—still raw, still unresolved.
- They may be hurtful to others but always see themselves as the victim. Any harm they cause is denied, downplayed, or presented as a natural response to others’ behavior.
- Even after years of therapy, they don’t experience noticeable change.
- They’ll do anything to avoid admitting weakness. For example, a woman whose partner shows little interest in her may explain it away by saying he’s shy, or claim that he’s very interested but that something else is preventing him from expressing it.
- They deny feelings that might portray them as “weak,” such as hurt, jealousy, or anger.
- They’ll do anything to avoid admitting fault. If they were fired, for instance, it wasn’t their fault—it was due to unavoidable circumstances or someone else’s wrongdoing.
- They are often involved in problematic and harmful relationships, oblivious to the emotional toll it takes on their children.
- They easily identify others’ lack of consciousness but fail to recognize their own. For example, in a relationship with frequent, intense arguments, one person’s reaction is never just a response—yet the unconscious person explains it this way, failing to see they are as active as the other side.
- They don’t understand that a relationship is inherently symmetrical, so they often “happen” to end up with problematic partners and “coincidentally” stay with them long-term.
- Despite all of the above, they occasionally acknowledge their problems and promise to change—but these promises never hold. Soon enough, self-righteousness and blame are back at the forefront.
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The Gentle Unconscious Person
From the description above, one might imagine an aggressive person, but there is also the “gentle” unconscious person.
The main characteristics of this type are subtle negativity and an inability to recognize the impact of their actions or take responsibility for them.
When I say “subtle negativity,” I mean they, too, tend to blame, complain, maintain a victim mindset, and express constant resistance to life—but express it in softer ways. Because of this, outsiders may easily miss the underlying issue.
Such a person would prefer to accept the diagnosis that their child suffers from a psychiatric condition rather than acknowledge their own impact on the child’s situation. (Since factors like a tense and toxic atmosphere at home, the parent’s inner state, and their direct relationship with the child have a decisive influence on the child’s condition.)
The Enlightened Unconscious Person
The “enlightened” unconscious person clings to a certain teaching or belief system to reinforce their sense of superiority. This might be a religion, spiritual practice, or lifestyle—like veganism.
They speak in lofty, beautiful words, yet ignore how their lives don’t align with the deeper meanings of their chosen path.
For instance, a vegan may be appalled by harm to animals but act aggressively toward non-vegans.
This kind of person may admire various gurus or quote others’ wisdom without really understanding the meaning or living by it.
Unconsciousness and Recurring Arguments
Recurring arguments are also a sign of unconsciousness. Unlike natural conflicts that arise from time to time, these circular conversations go nowhere, because both sides overlook the other’s capacity to truly hear, understand, or apply what’s being said. So they keep repeating the same words and strategies that have already failed.
Such arguments, whether loud or quiet, share a few characteristics:
- Each side throws accusations and deflects blame
- Each side fails to look in the mirror and take personal responsibility
- Each side clings to the unrealistic hope that the other will finally get it and change
I often tell people: if you’ve explained something three times and they still haven’t internalized it, it’s a sign they either can’t or don’t want to change—or both.
“If I Can, So Can They” — Is that So?
The idea that “If I can, so can they” simply doesn’t reflect reality. But when we refuse to accept that someone else cannot change, we give ourselves permission to keep blaming them.
(I say “refuse” rather than “unable” as we often don’t want to give up that sense of being morally above others.)
Another common, equally flawed belief is that accepting someone’s limitations means “letting them off the hook.” In reality, it simply means letting go of futile efforts and focusing our energy on where change is possible.
For example, rather than obsessing over what someone else “should” do, we can shift our attention to what still needs work within us. We tend to dismiss our own flaws, convinced they’re insignificant in comparison to the other person’s.
Can an Unconscious Person Become Conscious?
Every conscious person was once far less conscious. So obviously an unconscious person can become conscious—but not everyone.
I’m not a fortune-teller, but I can assess whether there are signs of possible change in the present:
- They recognize their issues and desire change
- They implement change in their life (either independently or with help)
- They take responsibility for their actions
- They acknowledge their role in relationships
- They can see how their behavior and inner state affect their children
- They demonstrate a certain level of emotional and financial functioning—able to maintain independence without relying excessively on others.
(By the way, being smart or educated is not a sign that someone is capable of becoming conscious.)
Why Does It Still Make Me So Angry?
Human unconsciousness is painful, frustrating, selfish, and hurtful. That’s why it may still create anger even when we understand its nature.
But when anger is no longer laced with blame (i.e., we don’t assume they can act differently), it’s relatively short-lived.
The expectation that one day you’ll become untouched by unconscious behavior might be unrealistic. But the expectation that you’ll mostly respond with calmness, and be able to process your anger quickly—is absolutely realistic.
One Last Thought
Although an unconscious person denies responsibility for their actions, they are aware of them deep down. They are often their own harshest critic, and because they carry a deep sense of guilt, they cling even more tightly to denial.
Many people demand that their parents admit fault, hoping it will bring relief. But forcing someone to confront what they can’t face often does more harm than good. Instead, it’s more helpful to focus on setting boundaries in the present to prevent further harm.
