I decided to write about overthinking and rumination after a coachee told me that she suffers from overthinking and read an article about “people like her…” (As if she belonged to an unlucky minority who suffer from this problem).
Another coachee said that she believes not everyone has repetitive and disturbing thoughts. Men, who are more rational, do not have them, she assumed.
In practice, overthinking, rumination, or obsessive thinking is a phenomenon that affects all of us to some extent, and even calm and rational people are not completely free from it.
These are negative, repetitive, and disturbing thoughts, most of which are irrational, which we cannot stop even when we understand there’s no point in dwelling on them.
This painful issue stems from the condition of humans in the modern age; we are disconnected from ourselves and nature and are obsessed with our self-image and the fear of damaging it.
We live in constant fear that we won’t achieve the thing that’s supposed to make us “enough,” that we won’t be “someone” or “something,” that we’ll remain mediocre and unfulfilled, or that God forbid we fail and our shame will be publicly exposed.
Another source of unpleasant thoughts is the existential fear associated with life in the modern age – our basic existence requires quite a bit of capital, and many remain lonely and sick in old age even if they have financial security.
The proof that overthinking is a cultural problem is the enormous number of people who use substances – drugs, alcohol, psychiatric drugs, and tranquilizers. These dim the consciousness and allow a temporary release from our thoughts.
The only one I believe when he says he doesn’t suffer from overthinking is author and spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle. (He admits that before experiencing a spiritual awakening he suffered from it to the point of depression and suicidal thoughts.)
That doesn’t mean there aren’t others like him, but not many, regardless of their title or qualifications.
Personally, this issue dominated my life, but today I enjoy many moments of peace and freedom from my thoughts, and even when I have bad thoughts, there’s always a dimension of inner peace in the background.
Learning to recognize your thought patterns is the first step in freeing yourself from overthinking.
The thinking mind often turns in one of the following directions and does the following:
Future –
- Imagining the worst-case scenario regarding what is at stake (relationship, getting pregnant, passing exams, success at work, financial situation, health, or aging), accompanied by the thought, “What if… happens?” or, “What if… doesn’t happen?”
- Imagining that we fail, make a mistake, or do something that harms our self-image in some way.
- Building scary scenarios about how someone rejects us (stops loving/breaks up/cheats/fires/cut ties). These mind-made movies influence our feelings, choices, and behavior as if they were true.
- Making assumptions about how another person feels or thinks, or going to say. Conducting imaginary arguments with them and making decisions based on their “words”.
- At night, we might find it hard to stop thinking about what we have to accomplish tomorrow at work or worry that the morning is about to come.
Past –
- Judging ourselves for the choices we made or the words we said.
- Feeling anger toward those we blame for our life situations. If it weren’t for what they did or didn’t do, we would be in a completely different place today, says the thinking mind.
- Feeling sorry for ourselves and the circumstances of our lives.
- Reflecting with sorrow on sweet moments we experienced; fearing we’ll never experience such joy again.
- Beautifying the past and judging ourselves for failing to enjoy what we had.
Present –
- The attitude to the present moment often involves resistance and dissatisfaction, accompanied by fear that the current situation will never change.
- We underestimate what we already have and overestimate the current thing that’s supposed to make us happy. (And there’s always a new one once one is achieved.)
- We judge harshly the way we feel, react, and behave while insisting that this is not the case with “normal” people.
- We tell ourselves that everyone is looking at us and judging us, or they will judge us if we say or do something wrong.
- We often resist and complain about the situations and people in our lives, expecting people to finally understand how they are “supposed” to behave.
- Ultimately, most of the time we treat the present moment as a transition to the next moment, even when it comes to what we’re supposed to enjoy.
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Ok, now that I see what my mind is doing, what can I do about it?
Let’s start with what **not** to do…
- Judge yourself for having such “stupid” thoughts. Your thoughts may be irrational and cause pain, but they are not your fault and are not controlled by rationality.
- Listen to people who tell you that you can simply decide not to think these “unnecessary” thoughts.
- Rely on drugs, pills, or alcohol, or spend hours online in a desperate attempt to escape your thoughts. Despite the momentary relief they provide, these things come at a cost and prevent us from learning to rely on ourselves.
Here are some things you can do:
1. When you notice what’s going on in your head point out to yourself what your mind is doing: “I’m imagining the worst-case scenario again,” “I’m again telling myself that everyone is watching me,” “I’m beating myself up again,” or, “I’m once again dwelling on the past.”
It’s important to do this without judgment such as, “What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you stop these stupid thoughts???”
2. To interrupt the stream of thoughts, direct your attention to the present moment by paying attention to one breath from beginning to end, looking intently at something for a moment, or listening to the sounds around you.
It’s possible that at the end of the short exercise the unwanted thoughts will return, but your identification with them will likely subside and so will the pain they create.
3. If you cannot live in peace with a person or situation, take action.
When there is a situation in our life that we cannot live in peace with or a relationship that requires setting boundaries, we’ll unavoidably feel hurt, angry, and frustrated and think about it constantly.
If there are difficult people in your life, learn to set boundaries with them or let them go. (Not recommended when it comes to parents, siblings, or children.)
If you are involved in a romantic relationship that includes exploitation, humiliation, painful compromises, or codependency – get professional help to help you fix the situation or break up.
And if you find yourself in situations that you can’t take anymore, like a job where it’s time to change, act despite the fear.
Sometimes “doing” something about a situation will be to bring a deep acceptance to it (which is not possible in cases of harm and exploitation, but is possible in cases such as a job you don’t like).
4. Reduce drama and negativity –
A simple first step in eliminating drama and negativity is to stop complaining about people and situations (Yes, it’s possible and also very helpful!), and instead of “venting” start sharing your feelings in a healthy way.
Complaining and “venting” may provide momentary relief, but ultimately increase anger and unhappiness and strengthen our sense of victimhood.
A second simple step is to reduce the amount of news you consume. Give up watching the news, quit related telegram channels and TikTok accounts, and turn off notifications from news portals on your phone. Settle for reading the news and listening to current affairs podcasts from time to time.
The news thrives on drama and negativity and thus increases them in us.
5. The trouble of many is not half consolation, but when we insist that everyone is better off It’s hard not to feel sorry for ourselves and judge ourselves harshly for being so “damaged”.
A crucial step in achieving peace of mind is to start truly listening to others, without judging their troubles as insignificant compared to ours, and being curious about their feelings, instead of assuming that they must be happy if they have something we want.
6. Finally, learn to be present in the moment to quiet your thoughts and start seeing clearly the reality in front of you instead of the horror movies in your head.
The following articles will help you do this:
How to easily start practicing meditation
The practice of presence
