While we often have more or less than others: higher IQ, a bigger house, more money, fewer children, or fewer years of formal education, using such parameters to determine whether we are superior or inferior to others, more or less valuable as human beings, is something we all do. When we imply the inferiority of another person, we momentarily enhance our sense of self and break free from the feeling of worthlessness that still haunts us.
If you look carefully, you will notice that many of your actions are driven by the need to present yourself as better than others or to indicate their inferiority. You will find it in the tone of your voice, your facial expressions, the sort of words you use, and by paying attention to the true motives that drive your behavior at the moment of truth.
Here are some examples of the way this behavioral pattern manifests in our daily lives:
- Demeaning another person by talking to them in a mocking, critical, or offensive way, talking about their faults with a third party, or criticizing them in our heads. “He should be admitted to a psychiatric ward,” or, “I pity her.”
- Pointing out the wrongs done to us while overlooking or downplaying the impact of our own actions—“I always show interest in her, but she’s making no effort to show interest in me,” complains a coachee about her mother-in-law. “Is it possible that your judgmental attitude toward her, even if only expressed behind her back, makes her stay away from you and treat you offensively?” I ask.
- Disparaging other people’s achievements—“Diapers is all they can talk about,” “How come the ugly ones always get married first?” or, “He only promotes yes-men.”
- Taking on a prestigious or noble role—One of my coachees perceived herself as a good daughter due to her significant contribution to the family effort of treating her sick father. Her actions, though, were tainted with a lot of negativity toward her mother and sister, who weren’t willing to give up their lives, and toward her father, for his negative attitude and the emotional manipulations he pulled on her. Resentment, self-pity, and a sense of victimhood filled her and damaged her life. Another coachee took upon herself the role of the family mediator. She did it with a bitter complaint about the helplessness of her family members and about the burden they lay on her shoulders. But despite the suffering created by the situation, both of them were reluctant to give up the prestigious role that made them feel better, worthier, and more capable than those around them.
- Using allegedly justified derogatory nicknames, such as “sad little person” or “a bad person.” There are no small or bad people; there is only madness and violence resulting from the unconsciousness, fear, and pain that dominate modern culture.
- Minding other people’s business—Conducting a war of justice with my father about his interference in my sister’s life, or meddling in the way my mother leads her life because she could be so much happier “if only…” (never mind that my constant suggestions only make her feel bad about herself).
- A need to discipline others or to give advice; deriving a sense of self-importance from supporting someone who is in distress; or holding on to the “savior” role—the one who will take someone else under their wings and supposedly solve all that person’s problems (“But what will he do without me?”).
- Emphasizing the flaws of others while not examining oneself and justifying the criticism by saying, “At least I don’t….”
- The most powerful enhancement to our sense of self is achieved by blaming others and holding them responsible for our life circumstances. Even though bearing feelings of victimhood and resentment is extremely painful, doing so provides us with a sense of superiority and righteousness that is always in the background, even when we are not thinking about the person who we believe has wronged us.
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The paradox is that self-enhancement at the expense of another—a behavioral pattern I call “fictitious self-enhancement”—not only provides no more than momentary satisfaction but creates intense negative energy and deepens our feelings of worthlessness.
Let’s see how:
- While providing a sense of superiority, fictitious self-enhancement involves a negative attitude toward others and thus creates negative energy that remains within us for a long time. If, for instance, we’ve built this energy at work by bad-mouthing the boss, it goes home with us, affects our family and children, and draws into our lives people and events that echo this energy.
- It drives unpleasant and offensive reactions from those who feel our judgmental attitude, even when we are not expressing it aloud.
- Some of its expressions are so blatant that afterward we are ashamed of ourselves.
- Some feel guilty for the pain they caused others.
- And contrary to its original purpose—feeling better than others—each act of fictitious self-enhancement deepens our feelings of worthlessness. By using this tactic, behind the scenes we are sending ourselves a decisive message. “I am small and unworthy, and therefore I have to continuously feed my sense of superiority.” Since we are born whole, it’s only when we no longer try to prove to ourselves that we are good enough, that we can feel our wholeness.
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What Can You Do if You Find Yourself in This Article?
First of all, congratulate yourself!
You have enough self-awareness and courage to witness your actions and admit them.
The first step in eliminating this behavior is to see, at the moment of truth, if you are willing to give it up along with the boost to your self-esteem it provides.
The second step is to start detecting what’s going on in your mind.
When you notice thoughts of this nature, simply note to yourself: “This was a fictitious self-enhancement.”
It’s crucial not to be judgmental toward yourself when detecting your thoughts and behavior and to remember that change takes time and practice.
And if someone else has used fictitious self-enhancement toward you, remember that it indicates their low self-esteem, and set appropriate boundaries to put an end to it.
Good Luck!
~from the book, 100% Choice
